The Gross Exaggeration Episode #1

Waiting in the Admiral's Lounge at Newark International Airport, Dr. Daniel Cassian looked down at his watch.  It read 7:15pm, but his flight had been delayed until 8:30pm.

Not feeling in the mood to read the newspapers scattered around the lounge, or to watch the Weather Channel on lounge TV screens, he stood up and wandered out of the lounge and into the airport building itself.  The walkways were crowded, as he had suspected.  The sudden arrival of a cold front, following behind the recent hot humid weather had produced massive thunderstorms, and caused havoc with the arrivals and departures from the New York area in general.  The passengers stranded by their delays meant that the airport was heaving with the people.  Wandering along aimlessly through the crowds, Cassian stopped outside a fast food booth, and read the familiar menu of items being prepared by the famous restaurant chain. He hadn't felt hungry prior to leaving the Admiral's Lounge, but now, faced with the choice of a double bacon burger with cheese (... crunchy bacon, yes!) or the grilled chicken and salad (... with lashings of mayonnaise!), how could he resist? Checking his watch once again, he made his selection and then joined the long line of people waiting to order their meal.  During his long wait, he noted the young pimply youth folding paper around the orders; he was working incredibly slowly, and sweating profusely.  More than once during the wait, Cassian questioned his sanity in buying food in that place, but the gnawing pain in his stomach, plus the knowledge that the fancy Admiral's Club lounge had nothing more than pretzels to offer him, kept him in his place.  The wait was a long one, these places never seem to be able to cope with more than two people in a line, Cassian thought annoyedly to himself.  At last at the front of the line, he ordered, paid for and was handed his sandwich.

Turning away from the counter, he checked the sandwich he'd been given: double cheeseburger ... no bacon! He turned to look back at the line of frustrated customers, and thought better of complaining, it wasn't worth the hassle.  Taking one huge bite out of the sandwich at long last, he was annoyed to find that the meat was tepid, and looked pink inside.  "Great" Cassian exclaimed aloud, and looked around at the disgruntled faces staring back at him.  "It's not even hot," he explained.  But no one was interested.  They all turned away from him and returned to their thoughts.  Cassian slowly walked back to his lounge, and saw that his flight had been called.  Gathering up his things, he made his way to the departure gate, and onto his flight to...

The Gross Exaggeration #2

... Mexico City.  It wasn't long after take off that Cassian began to feel strange.  His palms were sweaty and his vision was slightly blurred.  A deep ache had begun in the pit of his stomach.  What had possessed him to eat that burger? He should have stuck with the pretzels.  Looking around he tried to gauge how far it was to the rest room.  This was going to be a long flight.  He rose nonchalantly from his seat and headed up the aisle.

The Gross Exaggeration #3

As he stumbled towards the rest room, he caught a glimpse of what the flight attendants were doing in the galley.  He could have sworn they were all folding paper around burgers.  This time the burgers had bacon and they looked steaming hot.  "Huh.  Figures" Cassian thought to himself and shook his head.  And regretted it immediately as a wave of dizziness hit him as he reached the rest room.

He made it just in time to the toilet seat and sat down hurriedly.  It took several seconds for his world to stop swimming.  When he could see straight again, he stood up and stooped over the basin to wash his face with cold water.  The splash of cold water on his face, though tiny (water dribbles from aircraft taps), helped him to feel a whole lot better.  As he looked in the mirror however, he yelped loudly...

The Gross Exaggeration #4

... when he noticed something strange.  Very strange indeed.  'What the hell?" he asked.
"Don't worry about a thing," a voice assured him.
"Yes, everything's fine," a second voice told him.  Cassian stared at his reflection, and the reflection of two other heads, one affixed to each of his shoulders.
"I'm going crazy," Cassian told himself, closing his eyes and shaking his head.  He felt nothing where the heads should have been, and opened his eyes to see the heads still there.
"You don't think we're real, do you?" they both asked him.  A tap on the door startled him.
"Sir, are you all right in there?" a stewardess asked.
"Um, uh, yes, I am," he answered hastily.  The heads were smiling at him.
'What's wrong? You sound worried," they said in unison.  He reached his hand to one of their faces, only to jerk it away as it tried to bite his finger.
"Nuh-uh.  No touching," the head said.  He finally noticed who the heads were of. They were him.
"Go on.  Go back into the plane." He stumbled backwards as her felt for the door's latch.
"Don't worry.  What's so strange about having three heads?" they mocked him.  He could hardly take his eyes off the mirror.  Finally, he fell back out of the restroom, straight into a stewardess pushing a beverage cart, spilling several open bottles onto unsuspecting passengers.  He felt his face redden as he heard several profanities.  Two of the stewards rushed to help him up, making sure he was all right.  After he had convinced them that he was...

The Gross Exaggeration #5

... he returned to his seat, clutching at his aching stomach, he was sure that very soon he would need to run back to the lavatory.  Keeping his head rigid, double chins forming in the effort to keep still, he tried to look out of the corner of his eyes to see if the heads were still there.  It hurt to look so far to the left, and then to the right, it was vital that he didn't let the heads know he was watching them.  But ... they were gone.  Relieved, and unsettled all in one instant, he tentatively put his hand up to check that they were gone.  Yep, gone all right.  Cassian noticed that the passengers sitting next to him were holding their hands over their noses, and trying to keep their distance from him in the cramped confines of the plane interior.  Checking around him surreptitiously, he spotted the problem.  It was more serious than he's suspected....

The Gross Exaggeration #6

He turned and saw the flight attendant approaching him with what once was obviously a very expensive suit jacket.  He would give anything for a dry cleaner at the moment.  He took the jacket form her and groaned out a "Thank You" as a wave of nausea hit him.  He fought it and it passed quickly as he realized he must contact Edward and Kimberly.  Damn, they were on their way to Hamburg.  God, Just the thought of the name brought on another wave of nausea.  Hailey, he had to reach Hailey.  He reached for his attaché.  Opening it he recoiled in terror.  What the hell was going on...

The Gross Exaggeration #7

Meanwhile, Edward and Kimberly were about to land in Hamburg.  The flight was full and they couldn't get into Business Class.  Stuck in Economy for 10 straight hours didn't put them into a great frame of mind to meet Professor Neubakon at the Hamburg International Airport.  "I don't think I'm going to be able to straighten up." Edward grumbled.  "And the stuff they call food is unbelievable.  Damn good thing I had something to eat at Newark."
Kimberly looked incredulous. "You call that food? That burger was hardly cooked!"
“Well, if cheapskate Cassian had got us First Class, I could have gotten better food in the lounge." Edward whined.  "He gets to fly First.  And we are cramped here like sardines.  He has all the fun."

Cassian recoiled in terror from the sight of a miniature Hailey in his attaché giving him the evil eye and throwing a writhing cheeseburger at him.  He snapped the case shut hurriedly.  He picked up his jacket to look for his handkerchief to wipe his sweaty brow and was at once hit by the stench of the cologne and liquor he had spilled on it earlier.  Another wave of nausea.  He decided it was time to brave the attaché again, no matter what.  But this time, he only stuck his hand in.  Suddenly he felt something grab hold of his hand...

The Gross Exaggeration #8

.... It couldn't have been Hailey again.  It had teeth like a, like a, a Chihuahua! He yelped and pulled his hand out of the attache, smacking the neighboring passenger in the shoulder.  The surly man glared at him fiercely, then returned to his meal of, a rare-cooked burger.  Cassian stared at its pink flesh, remembering his under-cooked sandwich at the airport.
"Don't eat that!!" he yelled as he yanked the burger from his hands and threw it across the plane where it landed in someone's soup.
"Listen, buddy," the man threatened as he grabbed Cassian by his shirt collar.  "I've had a really, REALLY bad day, and I don't need some clown like YOU to make it even WORSE!" he seethed, spitting in Cassian's face.  Cassian attempted to shirk back into his seat, but the man just seemed to stay in his face.  "Just punch him and he'll go away," he heard a small Hailey's voice say.  He looked down to his attache, where the small version of Hailey had climbed out.  The man didn't notice.
"I, 1, I'm r-really sorry," Cassian stuttered, too confused, scared, and nauseated to think straight.
"Go on! Punch him!" the small Hailey continued.  The man had gone back to what was left of his meal, sulking silently to himself.  Cassian looked at the small Hailey, and noticed he had blood dribbling from the side of his mouth.  He looked at his own hand.....

The Gross Exaggeration #9

... three of his fingers were missing! He stood up angrily and looked around for the small Hailey who had vanished again.  "Just wait until I get my hands on you, you little squirt" he said aloud.  "Huh?" said the surly man in the seat next to him, who put his tray on his seat and stood up too.  "You speaking to me chump?" Cassian hadn't realized how big the man was, and stumbled backwards into the aisle, where, thinking rapidly, he wiped the back of his hand across his brow, sighed, faked a faint, and fell to the floor, hoping the man would leave him alone.  All the other passengers were relieved to see that scary episode come to a worthy conclusion, so they left Cassian there, unattended.  Cassian, not knowing quite what to do next, stayed on the floor until the movie started up, and then he risked crawling back to his seat.

Meanwhile, back at the airport in Hamburg, Marcase is starting to have problems too.  At the newspaper stand he saw a magazine reporting on the latest John Travolta movie, and in that instant, he imagines that he is Tony Manero, of the movie Saturday Night Fever, and he starts strutting around imitating the disco dance scene from that movie.  Hailey and Shiroma grab one another in their amazement, saying....

The Gross Exaggeration #10

... they never dreamed Edward had a talent for dancing.  They wondered if he could sing too.  Marcase the dancing doctor.  What could have gotten into him? Hailey laughed nervously as he hailed a cab.  He and Kimberly bustled Edward inside and ordered the driver to drive around until they could decide what to do with him.  Kimberly wondered to herself if it was something he had eaten.

Meanwhile Cassian's plane was on approach to Mexico City Airport.  He managed to get himself into his seat and belted in when he realized his attache was nowhere to be seen.  Wondering what could have happened to the little Hailey demon he looked down at his hand finding that he had all of his fingers.  He threw back his head and closed his eyes hoping he would wake up from this nightmare soon.

Moments later the plane lands and almost immediately upon stopping the doors open and several rough looking uniformed men enter.  Their gazes fall on Cassian.  Nervously he asks himself...

The Gross Exaggeration #11

"Haven't I seen them before? They all look like... the PIMPLY GUY AT THE BURGER PLACE!"

He screamed and ran towards the back of the plane, knocking over little old ladies and men who hit him with their umbrellas for his trouble.  Undeterred, he managed to reach the back door and rip it open.  Feeling great relief, he didn't notice that the door was not connected to an aerobridge.  Teetering at the edge, he flapped his arms furiously before toppling over...

Hailey, Kimberley and Edward got out of the taxi in front of Prof Neubakon's house.  Edward still had "Stayin'Alive" running in his head.  He saw movement at the corner of his eye and turned to see a dog at a fire hydrant...

The Gross Exaggeration #12

.... Cool! A German Shepherd!" Marcase exclaimed.  "And we're in Germany!" Shiroma and Hailey just rolled their eyes.
"C'mon, Edward," Shiroma said as she turned him towards the entrance to the house.  'The Professor is waiting for us."
"Oh, um, yeah," Marcase said, regaining his composure, but not before giggling ferociously.

Cassian was relieved as a baggage cart went by under him, breaking his fall easily.  "Hey! Watch it!" he heard three voices scream. *Oh, no* he thought. *The heads aren't back, are they?* He turned his head to check and confirmed it.  But then he remembered the third voice.  The driver of the cart? Nope.  He had landed on his attache, with the miniature Hailey still within.  The blood had been cleared from his mouth, and he was holding something...

The Gross Exaggeration #13

... in his hand.  A jacket? He didn't realize he had bitten the inside of his mouth on impact causing it to bleed profusely.  Nor did he recall grabbing the flight attendant just before he jumped.  She was unconscious next to him under a heap of luggage.  She was breathing.  He knew someone would find her.  He had to get out of there, Now! He could hear the little Hailey yelling inside the attache but he couldn't take the time to check.  Besides he thought, he isn't real ... right? Cassian shook himself and looked quickly around him for a means of escape.  He decided on the nearest exit gate about 75 feet away.  Grabbing the case he lurched forward into the darkness.  Exhausted he sank down next to a large trash container.  His head was beginning to clear and he was beginning to understand the day’s events a little better now.

The burger was bad all right, most likely salmonella.  The hallucinations were another story.  He recalled the pimply faced youth with the mechanical movements and blank stare.  It was all so familiar.  This was the work of the Black Hole Continuum.  He opened his case to find everything in order.  Th mini Hailey was gone.  Funny, he thought, "I miss the little guy." Michael's voice brought him back to present abruptly.  In the back ground he could hear a woman's maniacal laughter.  Not Shiroma, he thought worriedly.  "Hailey, Cassian here.  What the...

The Gross Exaggeration #14

"... heck is that barking noise in the background?" "Oh," replied Hailey, in a matter-of-fact-voice "that's just Marcase.  He's not feeling himself right now." "OH yeah," replied Cassian, "tell me what that's like!"
"Huh?" said Hailey.  "Never mind that now," said Cassian impatiently,
I need to know if you have met up with your contact in Hamburg." Hailey looked up to see Shiroma desperately trying to restrain Marcase who had gone down on all fours and was sniffing at the hind quarters of a very large Doberman.
"Behave yourself man!" snapped Hailey.  "How dare you!" replied Cassian into the phone indignantly.  "No," explained Hailey, " not YOU.  It's Marcase, Shiroma can't hold him back." "If I can control myself in front of her, then so must Marcase! What sort of professional is he? Doesn't he care what people think about him?"
At this moment the stewardess Cassian had dragged out of the plane onto the luggage cart stirred, waking at last.  Realizing that he needed to get away himself, he made a curt end to the phone call, "Call me as soon as you make the rendezvous" he shouted into the phone. "Come on all of who are coming!" said Cassian "I'm off!"

Back in Hamburg, Hailey snapped his cell phone shut and helped Shiroma to pull Marcase up into a standing position just in time to...

The Gross Exaggeration #15

... greet the professor.
"Mr. Hailey?" the professor asked Hailey just after he had pulled Marcase up.  "Professor Neubakon!" Hailey exclaimed, a little *too* excitedly.  The Prof gave his a strange look.  "Listen, um, something suddenly came up and we have to meet Dr. Ca-"
"Dr. Cassian at the airport? He called me already and told me that I should come along."
He had another strange look on his face, Hailey noticed, but it was not intended for him.  Hailey followed his gaze, and saw that he was staring at Marcase.  Hailey didn't know what was worse; Marcase acting like a dog, or, what he was doing now.  He was walking around flapping his arms like a chicken and yodeling.  Kimberly looked from Marcase to Hailey with a bewildered look.  He returned it with a shrug and turned back to the professor.  "Before we do that, I think we have to do something about him," Hailey said, gesturing in the direction of Marcase.
"Ah, yes, I believe I know just the place...

The Gross Exaggeration #16

The next day they were no closer to curing Marcase of his weird behavior.  However, they have discovered what is causing it.  It is fungus.

Somehow he has been invaded by a fungus that is producing a powerful hallucinogen.  Prof Neubakon had examined Edward from head to toe, inside and out.  The fungus is now residing on his tongue and in his intestines.  They still don't know how to get rid of it.  They don't even know what it is exactly.  To make matters worse, the place that the Prof first put Marcase in proved to be
the worst possible.  It was his hobby room.  And the Prof bred Dobermans.  The room was full of pictures of his champion Dobies.  In fact, there was this most fetching female Dobie that Marcase really took to.  And somehow, he got it into his head that Shiroma looked like the Dobie.

After a very long and furniture-destroying chase, they finally managed to rescue Shiroma and subdue Marcase.  He was now sedated and leashed to the bed in his room.
But Shiroma still won't come down off the chandelier.

The Prof and Hailey just didn't know what to do.  Cassian would be at the airport in an hour.  He had called again.  But the message was a little garbled.  Something about pimply young guards and unconscious stewardesses.  He sounded a little hysterical.  The Prof and Hailey were really worried about that.  They were debating what to do when they heard a loud creak, a bloodcurdling shriek and a loud crash with glass breaking...

The Gross Exaggeration #17

"Oh, $$$$$!" said Shiroma, standing up and brushing the debris of the fallen chandelier from her clothing.  'What are you goons looking at?" she asked the open-mouthed professor and Hailey.  But before the men had a chance to react or respond, she grabbed Hailey and started snogging him enthusiastically.  Hailey, ever the gentleman, and not wishing to miss out on a golden opportunity or to offend her, snogged her back.  The professor, feeling the odd one out, sidled out of the room and shut the door behind him.  "Tuh! Americans!" he said out loud, before setting off in search of a telephone to call Cassian.
"Dr. Cassian," he said as soon as the connection was made, "Do you realize just how incompetent the people you have sent me are? Do you?" Cassian didn't reply he had problems of his own, and he hadn't gone crying to Neubakon, had he? "How in goodness sake are these sex-mad crazies ever going to calm down enough to find the cure for the Beta strain of Mitochondrial-Ageing Disease were are paying you millions of Deutchmarks to resolve for us?" Cassian mumbled 'Well, um..." The professor continued unabated, "I'm telling you, Cassian, you're going to be in deep sauerkraut if you don't produce the goods this time!"
Cassian looked pensive as he scratched himself in the groin area, adjusting his shorts, "I have good reason to believe that you are talking about the most talented group ever put together on this planet.  I know, because I'm one of them! I refuse to believe that they have acted inappropriately.  It would be totally out of character."
Seething with rage, the professor said, "I'll be at the airport to meet you in 2 hours time.  I expect you all to get to work immediately!" and with that he hung up the phone.  On the plane, Cassian called the stewardess over and ordered another double whiskey.

The Gross Exaggeration #18

Hailey came to his senses abruptly.  What was he doing? Someone had to keep their wits about them.  Obviously he was the one.  He could hear Marcase howling from the room upstairs.  Kim was acting strangely now and Cassian was still 2 hours away.
"Kim, snap out of it" shouted Hailey.
"Aw keep your shorts on duckie.  We have plenty of time." answered Kim.
Hailey threw his arms up in defeat.  What was he going to do?  Someone had to find a way to reverse the effects of the fungus.  He remembered his Mom forcing him daily to take his acidophillus and eat raw garlic.  He also knew why he never had any friends and his dates never worked out.  Could that be it? She always said it kept away the tummy blues.  Kept a lot of other things away too it seems.  Hailey didn't trust Neubakon, but something had to be done and fast

The Gross Exaggeration #19

Hailey dashed into the kitchen, knowing there had to at least be some garlic.  He searched the refrigerator, the cupboards, and the small pantry.  Nothing.  He even searched the spice rack for powdered garlic.  Cloves, chives, rosemary, dill weed...
*Hmmm.  That reminds me... No, never mind him* Hailey thought.  No garlic of any kind, whatsoever.
"Oh, Miiiiichael!" Shiroma said, wandering into the small kitchen.  Hailey turned around to look at her.  She had a look on her face, a very goofy one.  One he'd never seen.  Kinda, loopy, he thought.
"Um, Kim, why don't you just sit down here," he suggested, walking up to her and guided her to a chair.  Instead of sifting, she clung to him like a leach.
"But I don't want to, Michael," she giggled.  "I want to be with *you*!" This was not going to be easy.  They jumped as they heard a large crash of metal and several shouts of excitement from the room where they had locked up Marcase.  "Ahhhhhhh! Getimoffme! Getimofftne!" a man's cracking voice shouted.  Hailey dashed into the room with Shiroma still clinging to his arm.  They were greeted by the sight of Marcase on top of a young man, barking ferociously in his face.  Several other men swarmed them, attempting to pull Marcase off of him.
"Marcase! Down boy! Heel! Bad, BAD Marcase!" Hailey shouted at him, not sure what else to do.  Marcase looked at him, stopping, and slunk his head crawling on all fours to Hailey's side, plopping down on the floor.  Hailey looked up to the group of men, only to notice that...

The Gross Exaggeration #20

... all 4 were young.  And pimply.

“WVhat the hell?"  He was going to draw his gun when his head suddenly exploded with pain.  He fell to all fours right next to Marcase who was busy licking himself.  "Idiot.  Can't even be an effective guard-dog" Hailey thought.  He shook his head in an attempt to clear the stars from his eyes and the ringing in his ears.  His made an effort to get up and was hit on the head again.

Just before he passed out he thought he heard Shiroma whine in a high -pitched voice "Oh, oh.  Heeellp!" and a pitter patter of running feet.

"After her, you idiots! " yelled the Professor.
"No! Not you 2! Help me tie these 2 up.  And... AAAAAARRRRRR...
He couldn't finish his sentence because Marcase had suddenly sunk his teeth into his...

Cassian's plane was on approach to Hamburg Airport.  They were 1 hour ahead of schedule.  The pilot mumbled on the PA something about a minor emergency and needing to land quickly, so he had flown the plane a little faster.  He sounded suspiciously desperate.

Cassian pressed the call-button to get the attention of a stewardess.  She was approaching him when the plane suddenly lurched and descended steeply.  The stewardess was thrown towards him.  In his attempt to stop her fall, he grabbed her...

The Gross Exaggeration #21

"Oh, hi!" said Cassian grinning into the stewardess' s ample cleavage as she plopped down heavily onto his lap.  "Ya?" she said angrily, "what do you vont?

Ve are quite busy bees right now!"  "Oh, I was just wondering, I mean, wondering, if you were doing anything this evening?" said Cassian raising his gaze from her chest region, more to the level of her face.  The plane dove crazily towards the runway, overhead storage compartments spilling out their heavy contents onto passengers’ heads.  There were many cries of "Ow", "Ouch" and "Hey!" as they tried to dodge the tumbling suitcases.  The wings of the aircraft vibrated wildly, and the stewardess's bosom wiggled around furiously in time to the juddering motion of the plane.  But she retained her composure, and whisked a long piece of her bangs back off of her face, smiling she replied, "Ai vould be 'appy to meet you for drinkies! Shall ve say, my place at nine?" Cassian and the stewardess said "My place at nine" in unison, and nodded enthusiastically.

Meanwhile, back on terra firma, Shiroma was running screaming down the corridors of the facility, ably dodging the attempts of the professor's security forces to pull her down.  "Yipeee!" she cried as she leapt over yet another burly man's dive towards her.  "Yeh-he hey!" she cried over her shoulder, "you can't catch me" and she promptly ran into a solid door, falling senseless to the ground.
"Well!" shouted the professor to his men, "Sort her out! Take her away then!" Hailey was beginning to come to, but...

The Gross Exaggeration #22

... soon felt something nudging at his arm.  And whimpering.  He slowly patted Marcase on the head.

"Ah, Mr. Hailey! I see you're awake!" he heard Prof Neubakon chime.  He rolled his head to the side, and soon felt Marcase lick him on the cheek.
"Can we *Please* do something about him?" Hailey complained, rubbing the bump forming on the back of his head.
"I'm afraid we can't do that.  See, if we do, then he wouldn't be as amusing...

The Gross Exaggeration #23

Hailey turned and had a good look at Marcase.  Marcase was trussed up liked a chicken and looking the worse for wear.  His ears were looking really red like someone had been pulling on them, *hard*.  He was wriggling against his bonds but was merely succeeding in getting into a tighter spot.  Soon he lay still, exhausted, with his tongue hanging out slightly.

Hailey turned to look at the Professor.  It was then that he noticed that he was favoring his left leg and the right trouser-leg was torn at the calf.  And the Professor had a very smug smile on his face.

Then he remembered Shiroma.  "What have you done with Kimberly?" he rasped, the pounding in his head making speech difficult.

"Don't worry about her.  She's being well taken care of.  Just as you will be,” said the Professor as he gestured to the 2 young guards standing by.  They moved to tie Hailey up.  He tried to struggle but the nausea and the loud ringing in his ears made the gesture futile.  He was soon trussed up like Marcase, who was whining quietly. 2 more of the guards entered to carry the both of them to the room in which they had imprisoned Shiroma.  She too, was tied up.  She was conscious however, but was looking slightly cross-eyed and giggling fitfully.

"Don't worry.  We don't intend to make life difficult for you" said the Professor with a small malicious smile.  "Now we have to prepare a suitable welcome for Dr. Cassian." With that, the Professor slammed the door shut and locked it.  They could hear his receding maniacal laugh.

"Damn!" thought Hailey, "I hate feeling like a damn duck!!" Too frustrated to think clearly (not to mention the ringing in his ears), he did a mighty Marcase-wriggle, with the same results.  Growling in frustration, he heard an echoing growl.  He turned to see Marcase chewing on the ropes...

The Gross Exaggeration #24

... that were tied around his (Hailey's) wrists.  "That's a good boy." Hailey said to Edward.  Edward panted happily, wagged his imaginary tail, gave Hailey and adoring puppy look and went back to chewing purposefully on the ropes.  This could take forever thought Hailey but it was all the chance they had right now.  At least Marcase had become useful in his state.  Shiroma on the other hand...

He could still hear Neubakon's laugh echoing in the emt hall outside.  Hailey had to reach Cassian or all was lost.  The fungus could not be released on society.
Cassian was only a short distance from Neubakon's house.  He was lost in his thoughts about a nice relaxing dinner and evening with the lovely flight attendant he had managed to wangle a date with.  He would make his meeting Neubakon short and very direct.  Once he filled Hailey in on the news about the return of the Black Hole Continuum and a plan to counter them was initiated he would be able to concentrate on more pleasurable activities.

His cab pulled up in front of Neubakon's and the hair bristled on the back of his neck.  The place looked unassuming enough.  What could be wrong? Before he has a chance to think the front door opened and out came...

The Gross exaggeration #25

... a fat lady with her 4 yappy Chihuahuas.  He was at the wrong house.  And he hated Chihuahuas.  It goes back all the way to his childhood when he was savagely ... shaking his head he tried to dispel the horrible memories.  Where the heck was Neubakon's house? From down and across the street, he heard loud voices speaking in German and he turned to see Neubakon coming out of a house with 4 very familiar-looking young men who struck fear in his heart and caused great discomfort in his stomach.  Thinking quickly, he stood behind the fat lady with the Chihuahuas.  The woman started in surprise but gave him a coy smile when she had a good look at him.  She said something in German to him, which he couldn't understand.  He merely smiled and nodded while keeping an eye on the professor and the 4 young men.  They got into a car and drove off.  He waited a few seconds before thanking the fat lady absently and crossing the road to Neubakon's house.  He was so intent upon the house that he didn't hear the fat lady cursing at him in German.
Reaching the iron fence, which surrounded the house, he contemplated how to get into the compound and wondered if there were any guards around.  Suddenly, he heard the frightful and ferocious barking of... he turned to see 4 enraged Chihuahuas running towards him, goaded on by the fat lady who was saying something and shaking her fist at him.  The horrible childhood memories came flooding back.  In his panic, he threw his attache case over the fence and climbed after it, ignoring the fact that it was very high and spiked.  He was fighting for survival.  On the way down on the other side, his pants caught on a spike and ripped before he could stop his descent.  His pants were ripped on the left side from ankle to knee.  He couldn't go around looking like that so he decided to rip off the tattered remnants.  For a more balanced look he removed the same portion from the other side of his pants.  There! He may look like he's wearing Bermudas with a jacket on, but by God, at least he was balanced! Feeling pretty pleased with himself he turned to wave goodbye to the yapping Chihuahuas.  From behind him, he heard a very low growl from what sounded like a very big dog...

Meanwhile, Marcase was making very slow progress with the ropes and Hailey was getting really irritated, especially by how wet his wrists were getting.  In great annoyance, he decided on a desperate plan.  He was going to intentionally induce a different hallucination in Marcase.  He started to hum the theme from Superman, getting louder and louder as his wrists got wetter and wetter.  It was slowly having an effect on Marcase who soon stopped gnawing on the ropes.  Instead, he stared at Shiroma and pleaded, "Clark, please help us! I know you are Superman ... I need you! Shiroma obviously heard what was going on because she mumbled "Lois ? Wha?...

The Gross Exaggeration #26

Cassian turned and was staring into two, large, brown eyes.  "Marcase?!" Indeed the growling had come from Marcase, who was standing on all fours, eyeing him as though he were going to take a chunk out of his flesh.  "Edward, quit acting like a moron and stand up like a decent human being." Marcase ignored him.  Instead, his growls got deeper, and he let out a series of throat- wrenching barks.  Startled, Cassian backed into the fence only to have two of the four Chihuahuas sink their teeth into the backs of his calves.  Cassian let out a shrill scream, unable to avoid his memories any longer.  As soon as he opened his eyes, he saw Marcase lunge at him, causing him to scream once again.  He closed his eyes awaiting the pain, but only felt Marcase's hands landed solidly against his chest.
Surprised, he opened his eyes to find him sniffing wildly at his coat.  Finally, with a please look on his face, he finished and began licking at Cassian's face.
"Thank you, Edward.  Now get off me," Cassian shoved Marcase off of him, not really sure about what was happening.  His pants had become shorts, he was reliving childhood horrors, blood was trickling down the backs of his legs now fearing that Marcase would soon begin licking at that, too, and Hailey and Shiroma were nowhere to be seen.  "I think we may have found him." Cassian heard the unmistakable voice of Hailey from around a corner in front of him.  "I heard a woman scream." Hailey rounded the corner to be greeted by Cassian standing in front of him, looking completely bewildered and none the worse for wear...

The Gross Exaggeration #27

Edward dropped down on all fours and let out a low menacing growl toward the four little "rodents" that stood yipping outside the fence.  At the sight and sound of the strange human they each whimpered and tails between hind legs scampered back to their master.  She gathered them up and in a huff turned away mumbling something about insanity.

Hailey was momentarily immobilized by the sight of Cassian and Edward.  He shook himself mentally and sprang into action.  Patting Edward on the head he praised him for his behavior and ordered him to heel.  He just made it to Cassian's side as Daniel's knees buckled and he began to go into shock.

Supporting Daniel, he turned to see Shiroma slumped against the fence about 25 feet away.  She was moaning and shaking her head.  Looking up she was horrified at the sight that greeted her.  A tattered and bloody Cassian supported by a very tired Hailey, and Edward sitting back on his heels, tongue hanging out of his mouth panting as if he had just run a race.

Then she remembered ... Neubakon.  My God the man had to be stopped...

The Gross Exaggeration # 28

With the returning memories, she started feeling a red hot rage.  Rage at what Neubakon's done, what she did to Hailey and what Marcase did.  She struggled to get up.  And she heard heavy panting and running feet scrambling rapidly towards her.  She looked up to see Marcase running towards her, with loopy look on his face and tongue hanging out.  All her rage returned with a vengeance.  She saw red and with all her martial arts training, she aimed a mighty kick at...

They were seated in Neubakon's living room.  All except Marcase that is.  He was nursing a lump on his forehead and rubbing a particularly sore spot on his rump.  "Did you have to kick me so hard", he asked Shiroma for the third time.  Apparently, when Shiroma kicked him with her heeled boots and knocked him into the statue of Adonis, it cleared his head of the hallucinations.  He limped around the rooming rubbing head and rump, grumbling softly to himself.  "Oh, stop whining Edward!" she said testily "At least I only kicked you in the butt! Be grateful!”  Marcase glared at her.  He opened his mouth to retort but Cassian interrupted him.  "That's enough, you two" he growled "We have more important things to think about!"  The others ignored him.  He found it difficult to assert any authority in his shorts and knee- high socks.  At least he'd been able to take off his stinking jacket.  And they were able to prevent more hallucinations happening.  Cassian had come prepared.  When Hailey had told him that the causal agent was fungal, he had brought with him fungicides and a garlic extract.  Hailey was particularly happy.  They all smelt the same now.

They were discussing what to do with Neubakon and his henchmen when they returned.  Which should be soon.  Now they were just waiting for signs of their return to carry out their simple plan to capture them.

Neubakon's car pulled up in front of the house.  He got out of the car, cursing and swearing.  The 4 young men pored out of the car, carefully avoiding bringing attention to themselves.  Neubakon was in a very foul mood.  They had waited and waited at the airport, but Cassian did not show up.  The flight had arrived early apparently.  Neubakon stormed into the house, followed closely by the 4 young men.  As soon as they got through the front door, they stopped short when a cacophony of blood-curdling yells greeted them.

They were flattened by Cassian, Hailey and Shiroma.  Marcase limped into the fray but his yell was no less blood-curdling.  But Neubakon and the 4 youths put up an unexpectedly fierce fight.  In the confusion of much hair-pulling, kidney-punching, eye-gouging and biting, Neubakon managed to extricate himself from the mess and run towards his library.  Marcase noticed and gave chase.  Neubakon ran into his library and frantically clawed at the little statue of cupid.  A secret doorway opened in the wall and he ran through.  Marcase was hot on his heels.  Neubakon slapped the panel in the passageway, which would shut the doorway very quickly.  Marcase, seeing Neubakon disappearing into the secret passageway, made a mighty leap in a desperate attempt to make it through the doorway before it closed.

He didn't make it.  He slammed into the now-solid wall and knocked himself senseless, again.

They were sifting in Neubakon's living room again.  The police had come and taken away the 4 young men whom they had managed to subdue and truss up like chickens, just like they did to Hailey and Marcase before.  But it came with a price.  Cassian was washing the bite marks on his arms with an antiseptic solution which, from the noises he was making, stung a great deal.  Hailey's left eye was starting to swell already, as was his lower lip.  Shiroma 's hair was a tangled mess and her blouse was torn.  Marcase, well, he was lying on the sofa, finally conscious after being doused with ice-cold water.  He was holding a huge ice pack on his forehead, which now housed 2 big lumps.

But they were feeling pretty pleased with themselves.  They had managed to foil the plans of the Black Hole Continuum.  The fungal culture was discovered in a safe in Heubakon's office.  After much examination, the culture was found to be not as potent as Neubakon had claimed it to be.  They must have rushed their plans and been careless.  A good dose of garlic extract would have rendered them harmless.  In Neubakon's safe they also found their carefully laid out plans on how to infect the entire city of Hamburg with the fungus.  They had also planned on selling the fungus to terrorists.  And they wanted to use Cassian and his team to prove the efficacy of their fungus.  If they could prove that Cassian and the others could be controlled with the fungus, then they would have become very rich.  But they forgot about the garlic.

Their claims for world domination had been grossly exaggerated.

The Gross Exaggeration #29

Cassian sat across the table from his friends, recalling in his mind the events of the past week.  Only a week, he thought, it seemed like years.
His attention turned to Edward.  Marcase wore his lumps well.  It was miraculous, thought Daniel, that he had not suffered a concussion.  He'd have a headache for a while though.  Always knew he had a thicker than average skull.  Cassian smiled to himself recalling Edward as a dog.  Oh the stories he would have for his grandchildren,
Shiroma---strong, sensible Kimberly.  Again he chuckled to himself.  VVish I could have been there to witness her "strange" behavior.
Hailey---always his faithful friend.  It was a wonder he hadn't quit after this last episode.
The flight home had been relaxing and uneventful.  Since none of them could bring themselves to eat airport food or airline food for that matter, they were all famished.  He had promised them diner at his private club once they had cleaned up and settled in.
So here they were relaxing in the posh atmosphere of one of the most exclusive clubs in DC acting as if the past weeks events had never happened.  Such well deserved peace and quiet.  Not to mention GOOD food.
 

Edward looked up suddenly from studying his plate.  He had a very strange expression on his face.  He sprang up knocking over his chair, shattering the silence of the room.  He yelled-"Don't eat that!!!" It was too late.  Daniel had already swallowed some of the Brussels Sprout drowned in butter sauce.
Edward had always hated the slimy little green balls and he knew now that the butter sauce hadn't looked quite right.  Now it was too late...

THE END?????????????

The Gross Exaggeration: Epilogue.

In a dark basement, somewhere in DC, a figure shuffled among myriad laboratory equipment, grumbling and snickering to itself.

Nuebakon was reliving the memory of the chaos he had created a month before at the restaurant of the prestigious club that Cassian had brought the rest of the team to.  He snickered when he remembered Marcase's reaction to the butter sauce on the brussel sprouts.  He had slapped aside the second forkful enroute to Cassian's mouth.  In his vehemence, he had done it too hard and sent it flying at the patron at the next table, landing in his soup with a splash.  And swept Cassian's plate off the table; right into the path of an approaching waiter who was carrying flambed kebabs.  The waiter of course slipped on the slippery mess and the flaming kebabs were sent sailing onto a woman 2 tables away from Cassian's table.  Fortunately for her, she was wearing a wig, so they could put out the fire without harming a hair on her head.

Before Cassian and gang could exit the scene, the gentleman wearing his soup and the balding lady and their respective dates descended upon the group in an angry mass.  The ensuing argument took a long time to calm down and clean up.  It was also the first food fight in the history of the club.  Shiroma, admittedly, looked pretty fetching wearing lettuce in her hair but Hailey found that mustard was definitely not his colour and Cassian developed a phobia for tiramisu at the club.  Marcase was slapped with the dry-cleaning bill from the 3 of them.  Also, they discovered that he could only wear 2 lumps on his head well.  The third one he got from a sudden meeting with the business end of a woman's handbag was just one too many for his face.

And all 4 of them itched for weeks after.  The new strain of fungus apparently did not cause hallucinations, but had more allergenic properties.  And Marcase was wrong about the brussel sprouts and sauce.  That was just a diversion planted by Neubakon.  The real culprit was the expensive wine, which Cassian had ordered.  Wine, which was much appreciated by all 4 after the fracas in the restaurant.

Neubakon giggled again at the memory of how he had slipped away from the kitchen of the restaurant without detection.  They didn't even know he was there.  Suddenly he stopped giggling.  Time was awasting.  He had too much work to do.  The next strain of fungus was almost ready.  The Black Hole Continuum *will* triumph!

If only the d**n thing would stop infecting him too...

THE END
(really)